***

Ernie:

What!?!? We’re staying here???

Nick:

Yea we are. Doesn’t it look great?

E:

This has to be some sort of joke, I’m not staying here.

N:

Aw, come on, it’s just for a night.

E:

Yea, and I’ll go home and tell all my buddies that I stayed at “Indian Lodge?” No way man. I’m not sinking that low.

N:
Indian Lodge is just a name, you know, a marketing tool. They don’t mean anything by it.

E:

But for god sake, they have totem poles in the front lawn!

N:

Maybe some rich Alaskan dropped them off on his way to see the Hawaii natives. (Ernie is fuming in the passenger’s seat, a brief pause) It can’t be that bad.

E:
That bad? THAT bad?!? You know what they’re going to say when we walk in? They’re going to snicker to themselves and think “that’s ironic, two natives staying the in Indian Lodge…”

N:

Hey, it makes a great joke.

E:

And what’s even more ironic, is that I’m here to speak about breaking stereotypes! My god!

N:

Maybe you should warm up here, practice your speech in the lobby.

E:

This is not funny Nick! I spent five and a half years writing this damn book and am finally invited to speak at this university, and here I am sleeping in the Indian Lodge! Indian Lodge! Of all places in the world to sleep, I have to settle in Indian Lodge! This goes against everything I stand for, everything I worked for, just everything! I’m not staying here tonight. (he crosses his arms defiantly)

N:

I’ll go check in. (he opens his door and closes it before Ernie can get a chance to open his mouth)

E:

(to himself) Staying at the Indian Lodge… Of all places… I’m not sleeping here tonight, I can’t, it makes me the biggest laughing stock of writers, publishers, editors, hot Hawaiians, filthy Hopis, everyone. (pause, out loud to no one) I’m sleeping in the car!

(Nick leaves lobby with a chuckle, he walks towards the car as Ernie stares at him, he opens the door)

N:

Boy this place is something. You should see the lobby—

E:

I’m not going into that building.

N:

Then where are you going to sleep?

E:

I’m going to sleep in the car.

N:

No you’re not. You’re going to suck it up and walk into your room and use the comfortable bed these Indian-lovers have provided us.

E:

No, I’m going to stay in the car.

N:

Where are you going to shower?

E:

I…Uh…We’ll find a truckers shower and I’ll use that one.

N:

That’s stupid. Not to mention dirty. Get your stuff, you can have room 412. (he throws the card-key at Ernie. Ernie gets out begrudgingly. They lock the car and walk towards Indian Lodge)

N:

(breaking into a smile) Maybe they’ll have a sweatlodge in the back.

E:

Don’t push it.

(Nick smiles, amused)  

(sitting on a stool in the middle of an empty room)

In my world,

things are closer than they seem.

They come at you from the darkness,

creeping up behind you

and breathe down your neck.

Sometimes they do only that,

breathe

shallow breathes,

rattling their vocal cords,

and sometimes they sink their teeth into your flesh

to tear the

muscles and blood

from your body.

(slowly the room around her changes, it seems more dank and desperately hungry)

In my world,

dark corners are metropolitan wastelands

to things that go bump in the night.

Bump

Bump

Bump,

throughout the night,

yet I’m not sure if it’s my imagination

 or if it’s a carcass hanging from the ceiling and bumping into a coffee table.

Everything in their world oozes and rots;

their food is filled with maggots and beetles;

their hair crawls with nits and their skin is home to hundreds of ticks.

(the floor of the room crawls with larvae)

I don’t live in THEIR world,

I just know of it.

My world is like theirs,

except everything is hidden.

You have to pay attention to the

streets and bathrooms

to see blood, vomit, and semen.

(discolored bodily fluids seep in from the walls)

The living die,

the bodies rot,

and the dead walk.

(the larvae burrow into Grieta’s body leaving it speckled with holes)  

***

I’m not so sure where this came from. On second thought, probably a dark corner.

Introducer:

Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please settle down. That’s right, noise levels need to be lowered… (he waits until it reaches 74dB) I’m pleased to announce the next presidential candidate, from our home country, Senator Jeff Kanolli! (crowd roars as Kanolli makes his way to the podium)

(he greets everyone on his way up, crowd goes wild)

(he holds up a baby and kisses its forehead, ladies swoon)

(he shakes hands with twenty prominent businessmen)

(he kisses his wife, cameras flash with blinding light)

(crowd roars)

(he makes it to the podium unscathed)

Kanolli:

Thank you! Thank you! (still 89dB) Thank you all! (they quiet, waiting for his speech) Thank you for having me here in my hometown of Shnooglycreektownville! (the crowd is out of control) Thank you! Thanks! Graditude! Appreciation! Thank you! (quiet) As you all know, I will be running for the 2080a presidential race! I decided that today I would spice things up, I’m going to let you do the talking. I’m going to openly open this speech up. I want you to ask the questions. (a thousand extremities raise into the air, he looks around to decide the first questionee) You, fine sir!

Anonymous Wookie:

Rooor! Wrahhhhh! WAH WAHHH WWAAAAH!

Kanolli:

I see.

Anonymous Wookie continues:

RWAAAAAH! Rwah rwah… roooooar.

Kanolli:

There’s no need to worry about 35^th amendment. I know the Republic has talked of demolishing the 35^th, but as president, as senator, I must assure you that I will keep the amendment AS IS. I know where you come from, you know where I come from, and in order for happiness to reign, the 35^th stays. (crowd roars, he waits until he sees a good candidate) 3.14q Droid, speak!

3.14q Droid:

(in a mechanic voice, he needs oiling) Sir, potential presi..dent. As a 3.14q droid, I am concerned about what you…plan to do with the…Number. The republic wants to release it to the public, but I must insist that it stay unsolved and hidden. What are your plans for… it? (crowd is mixed, some want the number and some fear it)

Kanolli:

(he wasn’t ready for this, pause) Of the issues we face today, of the wars we are fighting and will fight, there is nothing that reaches the gravity of the Number. For centuries upon centuries, mankind along with his brother beings, creations, and replicas, have sat at their workstations deep into the night dividing and building strings of numbers that have seemed to have almost reached infinity. Let me tell you, infinity has been reached. The end of “infinity” has been discovered so recently that other political machines have not yet discussed in detail what action is to be taken with the discovery of the Number. I have even failed to speak with my wife about the Number, but that will not deter my speaking to you.

We have seen a many accomplishments in our history. From the first footprint we planted on the moon, to the first meeting of “outerspace” creatures, from bottled memory to extended life, we are not simple creatures in this galaxy. (crowd gives a heartfelt cheer) From what I have gathered from news sources, this number has been named the “God number” by religious sects. They say if this number is released for public consumption, we will perish. I have no proof nor knowledge of what the release of the Number will do to the beings of this great wide galaxy, and much less the beings of this great wide world. But I can say that this is another step for creatures everywhere. The magnitude of this step exceeds all others, we will leap when I say… as president, the Number will be released. (crowd goes wild, mixed feelings)

(3.14q Droid rises among the crowd and fires at Jeff Kanolli. Crowd scatters, Kanolli is hit, but alive. Guards quickly disable the 3.14q Droid with electric bullets. He falls to the ground; a sense of despair can be detected in his titanium facial features)

(playing with her handmade dolls) But I am the master Kiro-kun!

            You are not!

            Yes I am!

(her back is facing the pond, as she argues amongst her dolls as a kappa emerges from the water and slowly sneaks up on Toki-chan)

Toki:

(unaware of kappa) No you’re not

Yes I am! I am the master!

(Kappa breathes in deep, ready to bellow his rehearsed phrase)

Kappa:

I AM THE MASTER!

(Toki-chan is startled and falls over, but when she sees the trickster, she regains her composure)

T:

(calmly) I didn’t say you could be the master, Kappa-san.

K:

But Toki-chan, didn’t your parents tell you to share? To share with wonderfully handsome water creatures?

T:

(looks down at her dolls) How can I share when you’re taking the shared part?

K:

(pause, trying to understand meaning) You are an impossible little girl. Hand me a doll and we’ll play. (he snatches the one doll away from her, it happens to be her favorite)

T:

No! (pause) I like that one.

K:

You like this one? This one here?

T:

Yes, it is my favorite.

K:

Favorite? Toki-chan, I do not have your favorite doll, I don’t even have a doll. I am in your imagination. You just threw the doll over here, near this rock. You should come pick it up.

(Kappa puts the doll down gently on the rock, Toki-chan goes to retrieve it. She sits back near her other dolls, cautiously eyeing the kappa)

K:

See? I don’t really exist. You made me up in your head. You have quite an imagination! Only the best imagination would be able to produce a mightly fine creature! Just look at me, handsome as the devil himself. (he struts around Toki-chan)

T:

Oh Kappa-san, if you only knew…

K:

(he halts, an inquisitive look on his face) Knew what? That I’m a perfect being? Of course I am!

T:

Kappa-san, kappa-san, I’m sorry.

K:

(he is mystified by her attitude) Sorry? Sorry for creating such a beautiful creature? Nonsense!

T:

But Kappa-san, have you looked at your reflection lately?

K:

Why would I need to, child?

T:

Because, I’m afraid my imagination does not see beauty.

K:

What are you talking about?

T:

I have never seen beauty Kappa-san. I don’t know the sparkling of the water in spring, I don’t know my mother’s face when she lulls me to sleep, I have never seen snow cover Fugi-san. You see Kappa-san, I am blind.

K:

Blind! Nonsense! (he looks closer into her eyes)

T:

Not nonsense. I don’t know beauty, Kappa-san, and since I only know the feel of mud, where you come from, that is how you look.

K:
No! I refuse to look like mud! Stinky, slimy, grimy…

T:

But you are my imagination.

K:

No! I made that up! I TOLD that to you!

T:

I made you say it.

K:

No. (pause) I can’t be an imagination, I have a home and just yesterday I ate a child. I still feel his weight in my stomach…

T:

You aren’t a new imagination. I created you years back, when I was younger.

K:

No, I’m real! I’m real! I’m…(he begins to doubt)… Give me a mirror!

T:

The water is just that way, you can look in it, but don’t fall in…

K:

But I’m an excellent swimmer…

T:

Not in here (she taps her noggin). I can’t swim either, so how am I supposed to give you swimming powers?

K:

But, but… (he stumbles over his words) I’m real! I am I am I am! I’ll show you! I’ll jump in the water and swim like a fish! (He walks over to the edge, looks in and gulps. Somehow, he isn’t too sure of himself) I’ll do it!

T:

If you die, I can just make another imaginary friend.

K:

(he gulps again. He closes his eyes and jumps in) See, I am swimming! (he is gloriously happy) Swimming! Swim!

T:

(She looks away from Kappa-san, and speaks as though she’s speaking to another imaginary creature, loud enough so the kappa can hear) Now that we got rid of him… we can play in peace. Isn’t that right Kiro-kun. The poor imaginary creature doesn’t know he drowned yet…

K:

(he starts to drown) No! (gurgle) no!

(the kappa drowns. Toki-chan gathers up her things and begins walking home. She skips happily because she knows she tricked the trickster)

 I’m not too in love with how this one came out

***

Sally: (looks at list) Maribeth! (Maribeth looks up) Over here, hun.

 (Maribeth follows Sally to the chair)

 S: Alright, do you know what you’re looking for?

M: Well, I want about at least two inches off, but no more than five. Five would be too much. I like the style, but if you think you can make it better, I’m all for it.

 S: (loudly chewing gum) Yeah. Yeah, I see that you had layers in place. Did you want a straight cut across or keep the layers layered?

 M: I’m not to keen on haircuts, but if it’ll look good then cool. I sorta want the straight-Victoria-mixed-with-sporty. Sorta like cut down and then curled at the tips.

 S: Curled at the tips? I could curl with the iron, but you’d have to re-do it again tomorrow. I’m doing the cutting, you do the styling from here on out.

 M: Okay. That works.

 (Sally snips and clips and measures out. Silence ensues momentarily)

 S: So you new here?

 M: Uh, new in town or new to here?

 S: New to anything babe.

 M: Well I’m new to marriage.

 S: Marriage! Honey, aren’t you a little young for that sort of commitment?

 M: Yes, I suppose.

 (pause)

 S: When are you getting hitched? Or did it happen already?

 M: It happened already, last week actually. It was a dream come true.

 S: Dream come true? So you’re happy with it? The decision to get married?

 M: Oh yes! I couldn’t be happier. Everything that day was wonderful. I had all my family over and his family over… I was so happy they didn’t fight or anything. They just laughed and enjoyed themselves. Just so wonderful.

 S: Haha, it seems like that now dahling, but wait a few more months and your life will be hell.

 M: I doubt that. I know this sounds cheesy, but Brian and I were meant to be together. He is just the perfect husband for me and I know it.

 S: Brian? Sounds like a chump.

 M: Haha, if I wasn’t so gay right now, I’d tell you your tip was getting smaller.

 S: Tips shmips. How’s the back look?

 M: Ah, I think maybe another inch should do it.

 S: Kay. (pause) So this is your first marriage I’m guessing?

 M: Yes, oh my god yes.

 S: Well honey, once you get through a few marriages they don’t seem all they’re cracked up to be. I’ve been through three already. Each time the boy was a sweetie until the fourth month or so. Then the whole household shifts into a dictatorship. “Get me some coffee,” “Where’s my clean shirt?” blah blah blah. They think women are nags, ha! They require more pickup than any kid I’ve ever had. If I didn’t nag, the house would fall to pieces.

 M: Brian’s not like that. He really loves me and I’m sure we’ll come across some differences, but all in all it’ll work between us.

 S: How’d you meet him?

 M: That’s a funny story. We met at this resort where he was having a horrible time with his wife.

 S: His wife?

 M: Yeah, it was their honeymoon, but he hated her. He said she used him for his money, but luckily she divorced him. It seems like she found another lover and cheated on him for eternity, through their dating and marriage and all.

 S: Sounds like a bitch from hell.

 (both laugh)

 M: I met her though, and she seemed really mouselike.

 S: People are different when they’re alone I guess.

 M: I guess.

F:

Son! Git over here, I wanna talk to yeh.

(son scrambles over to father, eager for this little chat)

F:

Kay now, you just settle up right there ‘gainst that couch, and yeh listen close.

S:

Aight Pa. Whatcha wanna talk to meh about?

F:

(he inhales deeply. He is ready for the talk every father has to give his son) Son. (he pauses) Son, I want yeh to know that there’s more teh life than just yer momma and me and ole coco laying near the barn. There’s a whole world out there, just waitin to be lived. You’re gonna do that living, son. But first, yeh need teh know the basics. The simple no-sense things o’ life.

S:

Yessum

F:

Yer gittin to that age where you just wanna explore…yerself. Yeh want to touch something nice and round and yeh don’t want anything that’s flat. Yeh unnerstand boy?

S:

(pause) I think so pa.

F:

Good. So you wanna believe that this wonderful body…celestial body, they call it, is round and will provide yer every needs of life. I’m talking bout the basic needs, son. Yeh know those basic needs? Those needs every man gits once in a while?

S:

(unsure what to say) Ahh…

F:

Go on, spit it out.

S:

The…uh…. The uh… The sexual needs pa?

F:

Sexual needs? What are yeh gittin at boy? I wasn’t talkin about the sexual needs!

S:

But yeh said I wanted something round and—

F:

Nah son, nah! I was talking about the earth goshdarnnit. The basic needs of a man to roam the earth and to believe what actual shape it is.

S:

Actual shape?

F:

Yes son! Are you dumb or sumthing?

S:

Nah pa, I didn’t know what yeh were gittin at, is all.

F:

Alright, now we’re on the same cow. Good. So the body we’re on right this instance is not round son. It’s flat.

S:

Flat?

F:

Flat. The celestial body we call the earth is flat.

S:

Flat?

F:

Flat.

S:

Flat??

F:

How many times you gonna say that, son? The earth is flat and yeh better believe it.

S:

Then why hasn’t anyone falled off?

F:

That’s simple. Yeh see, the earth is not a square flat. It’s a round flat. Circle flat, yeh might call it. The country they call North Pole, is at the center. The country called Anarctic goes around the edges of the earth, bordering it like a wall so no one sails off the darn thing. So people sail in big circles to git where they want. Yeh got it?

S:

I guess so.

F:

There aint no guessing! It just is boy. The earth is flat like a pancake at Uncle Joe’s restaurant.

S:

What bout them pictures from space huh pa? Them look is real, I saw ‘em.

F:

Bunch of cowpies is all. You gonna believe everything them media peoples dish out to yeh? They made them pictures using computer whatchamacallits. They trying to git us to believe their truth. They’re like a bunch of wackos and hippies trying to get us on their side. The dark side.

S:

But pa—

F:

No buts boy. The earth is flat and yeh should believe it because yeh pa told yeh so. They’re on the dark side. Don’t you go and play with the dark side.

S:

I won’t pa. I don’t wanna be dark. I wanna be light like you and momma and ev’rybody that good in the world. All the catholics.

F:

That’s a mighty fine statement son. After dinner, I want to talk to you about the dinosaurs and the bible. Them dinosaurs were veggietarians before original sin, did you know that?

S:

(astounded) Nah pa! What did the t-rex eat then?

F:

He ate coconuts! Lots of coconuts! Them sharp teeth crack the coconuts and be eating them good.

S:

Wow! Those liberal folks trying to drive us wrong, right pa?

F:

(he winks) That’s right son.  

…As a licensed physician, I endorse this product. Not only—

Director:

Cut! Cut! I endorse this product? I fully endorse this product. You need to add the fully or else no one will buy it. Fully endorse. FULLY. Do you understand Plasky?

L:

Yes, I do. But I was reading off the prompter and it only said—

D:

Forget the prompter! If you’re trying to sell this product to stay-at-home moms in the bible belt, you need adjectives. Adjectives that dazzle and amaze! Add them in whenever you get the chance. Start over.

L:

(positions himself) Hydromoor is the amazing answer to all your insane problems. As an intelligent licensed physician, I fully and completely endorse this product. Not only does—

D:

Cut! CUT! What the fuck are you doing?

L:

I’m adding the adjectives. Adjectives everywhere!

D:

I don’t want adjectives filling the whole commercial! They take away from “Hydromoor.” Adding adjectives is like an art, you place them in tasteful places. If you’re shooting adjectives left and right, we’re going to have an adjective orgy! Cut down on the adjectives and be sophisticated for once.

L:

(plainly) I’m not following. Why don’t you tell the prompter to add your tasteful adjectives, and I’ll read. That’s all I’m here to do. Read. Read off the prompter.

D:

Oh no. You are not giving me orders. I bet you feel smug telling off your producer. You are wrong, Plasky! You DO NOT tell the producer what to do. I could have you out of here in two seconds. Here me? TWO SECONDS. I’m a nice guy, so I’m going to give you another chance. But if you screw up, I’m dropping you like a dog with diarrhea. Start the scene again.

L:

(clears throat loudly to further annoy producer, camera rolls) Hydromoor is the only answer to your everyday problems. As a licensed physician, I completely endorse this product. Not only does it kill… effectively, but it kills discretely. With Hydromoor, your “problems” disappear with only two teaspoons of dissolved solution in their cup, coffee, or tea. Hydromoor is tasteless and colorless, and has never been detected in affected bodies. Buying within the next few minutes—

D:

–TEN MINUTES!

L:

…Buying within the next ten minutes will ensure you get Hyrdomoor in a completely confidential package along with double the solution! Instead of one-point-five ounces of Hydromoor, you will get three full ounces! That’s about nine victims! You’ll get—

D:

Cut dammit! Break! Break! I need to talk to Mr. Plasky! Everyone outta here. Go, I need a word. GO!

(everyone involved leaves quickly, firstly to leave the directors presence and secondly have a clear conscience)

D:

Plasky! (takes a breath, calmly: ) Plasky, come over here. I… I want to chat.

L:

Alright… (hesitant)

D:

(being very friendly, places his hand on Loren’s shoulder) You see, Plasky, Loren if I may, I am a director. Directors expect a certain zest from their workers. For instance, if I see a set designer designing a horrible set, I tell him to fix it. You, you are being like that set designer. You are making a horrible set, with my money, and I want to fix it. You are not selling my product the way I want you to sell it. Here, this might take a while, let’s sit. Coffee?

L:

Yes please.

(gives Loren coffee, Loren takes a few sips, director goes on)

D:

I need you to be excited about this product. I can’t have you out there like a zombie grumbling the whole time. I want you to be lively, to really sell Hydromoor.

(Loren goes into spasms on the chair)

D:

Hydromoor is one of the greatest inventions of mankind. “Problems,” as I like to call them, are solved instantly.

(Loren falls to the ground, with strained effort, he squeaks for help)

D:

Take you for example, I hated your acting. I hated your attitude. But a few sips, and poof! Problem solved.

(Loren tries in desperate attempt to grab for the director before he goes into a final violent spasm)

D:

Now, I don’t need to pay you or tell you to leave, I just call the ambulance and tell them you had spasms and I didn’t know what to do. Problem solved. (long thoughful pause, more to himself) If you only knew the benefits of Hydromoor, you’d be more excited about the product.

(He gets up and calls out towards the breakroom: )

D:

Somebody call an ambulance! I’m not going to have this corpse ruin the set!

***

L:

That dinner was wonderful. The candles were so romantic and the food was so tasty…

B:

…I didn’t like the meat so much, it was too chewy. I mean, everything else was just fine, but the meat really threw the balance off.

L:

Threw off balance? Ha. You’ve been reading too many Feng Shu books. Aside from the “chewy meat,” everything was perfect. The stars, you, me, even the waiters were so cordial and precise. It couldn’t have been more (pause) perfect.

B:

I still… I still don’t know where you get this perfect from. I mean the service was good, the food was good, but it wasn’t “perfect.” Nothing can be perfect, everyone knows that. I just was great, superb even, but never perfect.

L:

Perfect is just a figure of speech.

B:

I know, but you’re making it sound like we had a god-like experience eating in that restaurant.

L:

I’m not blaspheming, Brian.

B:

I’m not saying you are, just… just… you overused the word “perfect.” Nothing, nothing is perfect. Yes we had a great time and everything was wonderful

L:

Yes, everything was wonderful.

B:

Yes, so there’s no argument.

L:

No argument?

B:

Right, no argument. Everything is just fine. We’re fine. The room is fine. The bed…the bed is fine. Everything fine.

(pause)

L:

(teary) We’re fine?

B:

(pause) Oh Leila, I don’t mean that way. We are more than fine. This is our honeymoon, and we are better than fine. (she sniffles a bit) Oh no, no no no. Don’t do this to me. No, don’t. Stop. Come on. I didn’t pay three grand so that all you could do was cry. (her sniffles get heavier) Aw, stop. Leila…

L:

(she snaps like an already broken bough) But I don’t want to be just “fine” with you. I want it to be perfect. We love each other and love should be perfect Brian. If we love each other then we shouldn’t be just fine. We should be happy and joyful—

B:

Are you saying you aren’t happy? Don’t say that, come on Leis, you know we’re both happy together. It hasn’t changed because we fought about the food this evening—

L:

I thought you said we didn’t fight. That it wasn’t an argument.

B:

Yes I know I said that, I’m not stupid. In hindsight, I realize it was a fight. A tiny fight. And we shouldn’t let this get to us. Let’s just enjoy the evening okay?

L:

(pause, softly) I don’t feel any better.

B:

I can’t do anything about that Leis. You have to feel better yourself.

L:

But can’t you—

B:

No, Leis. I can’t. I’m your husband, not your professional clown.

L:

But husbands are supposed—

B:

No no no dear. Husbands make the money, and you aren’t paying me to juggle or tell jokes. If I wanted that job I would have joined the circus. Got it?

L:

I guess. (pause) I’m sorry.

B:

I accept your apology, I’m glad you came to your senses. Here, wipe your nose. I could go for some nighttime coffee, wanna make me some?

L:

I’m a little tired—

B:

Aw, were the Egyptians tired when they built the pyramids? Yes, they were. Did they stop? (pause, direct question) Leila, did they stop building the pyramids when they got tired?

L:

No, I mean I’m sure they slept—

B:

No, they didn’t sleep. They kept on going through the desert heat and cold nights with whips lashing them every time they slowed down. They go through all that trouble and you can’t whip up some coffee for your newlywed husband? (in all seriousness) I don’t know what to think Leila.

L:

I didn’t say I wouldn’t make it, it’s just I’m a little tired, but I’ll do it. I’ll make some coffee for you. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d—

B:

Stop. I’m not in the mood for arguing, okay? I just want a cup of coffee. Can you do that for me? Huh?

L:

Sure, yeah, anything. I’m just sorry that’s all. (goes to turn the coffee maker on, pause, tenderly: ) I love you Brian.

B:

(exasperated sigh) I’m not in the mood Leila.